Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize