I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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