My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
