So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
In America we eat man semen.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
