I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
