I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
