You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
