My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
