my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize