there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I did not marry a roomba.
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