I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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