don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize