I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize