Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
