I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Randomize
