my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
it glows. i had to have it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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