Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
