dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
