Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
