Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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