I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
