The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
