Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
