he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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