I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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