I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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