I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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