It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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