I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
