my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
A bitchslap is in order.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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