I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
