the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
