I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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