LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
