I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Welp...herpes.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
