I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
