I faked an abortion last night.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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