...so i touched it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
