Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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