my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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