My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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