So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
