I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
