Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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