Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
