I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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