Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
nutella sex= disaster
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
