so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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