My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize