my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
