My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Dear god my vagina.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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