I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
