The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
