watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
