Got a toothbrush?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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