Soap is not a condiment
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
