I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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