just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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