After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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