Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
