She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I am naked and annoyed.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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