I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize