I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
